IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF RIDGEWAY
State of Ridgeway
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DOCKET NO. RSC-CM-2895
Plaintiff
v.
Coldwither54
Defendant
Motion to Change Venue
TO THE HONORABLE COURT, AND TO ANY CLERK UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH
TO BE FILING THIS:
COMES NOW the Defendant, appearing pro se (by choice, not really by choice, see prior filings
regarding waiver of counsel), and hereby moves this Honorable Court, pursuant to Ridgeway
Rule of Civil and Criminal and Also Vibes-Based Procedure 12(b)(Whatever), Section 4,
Subsection C, Sub-subsection ii, Footnote 9, for a change of venue in the above-captioned
matter.
I. INTRODUCTION
This is not a frivolous motion. This is a motion born of principle, of justice, of the deep and
abiding belief that a man should be tried in the place where the alleged wrong occurred, so that
the court may fully absorb the ambiance of the crime scene, including but not limited to the
fluorescent lighting, the faint smell of rotisserie chicken, and the specific squeak of the third
shopping cart from the left, which has never once in recorded BloxMart history rolled straight.
II. STATEMENT OF FACTS
1. The incident giving rise to this case occurred at the Ridgeway BloxMart, Checkout Lane
4 (the "express lane," a title Defendant maintains was aspirational at best).
2. Checkout Lane 4 has since been remodeled. Defendant believes this remodeling was
done specifically to destroy exculpatory evidence, namely the exact floor tile upon which
Defendant was standing at the time of the alleged line-cut.
3. The current courtroom, by contrast, has none of the above features. It has bad carpet, a
gavel that Defendant is fairly sure is just a regular hammer spray-painted brown, and zero
rotisserie chicken smell whatsoever.
4. Defendant cannot receive a fair trial in a room that does not smell like the scene of the
crime. This is not merely tradition — it is Due Process.
III. ARGUMENT
A. The "Smell Test" Doctrine
Ridgeway jurisprudence has long recognized, or should recognize, or Defendant is choosing to
believe it recognizes, that a jury's ability to accurately reconstruct events is directly tied to
sensory immersion. Absent the sensory context of the original BloxMart, jurors are being asked
to imagine, rather than experience, and imagination is notoriously biased against defendants who
are, frankly, better looking than the prosecution's witnesses.
B. Judicial Convenience Is Not a Real Excuse
The Court may argue that relocating an entire criminal trial to the snack aisle of a retail
establishment presents "logistical challenges" or "insurance concerns" or "a BloxMart manager
who has explicitly and repeatedly said no." Defendant finds these objections unpersuasive and,
frankly, a little defeatist.
C. Alternative Relief
Should this Court decline to relocate the trial in full, Defendant requests, in the alternative, that a
single (1) rotisserie chicken be brought into the courtroom each day of trial, to be placed on the
evidence table, "for balance."
IV. CONCLUSION
WHEREFORE, Defendant respectfully requests that this Honorable Court GRANT this Motion
to Change Venue, relocate all further proceedings to the Ridgeway BloxMart parking lot
(weather permitting) or Checkout Lane 4 (manager's permission pending), and in the alternative,
order the aforementioned chicken.
Respectfully submitted, under protest, and also under fluorescent lighting that does not match the
crime scene,
Coldwither54 Pro Se, Reluctantly Dated: This Very Serious Day
CERTIFICATE OF SERVICE: I certify that a copy of this motion was served upon opposing
counsel by yelling it across the courtroom, which Defendant believes satisfies all applicable
service requirements.
Respectfully Submitted,
Plaintiffs Coldwither54
By their Attorneys,
STILL NO ATTORNEY THIS IS UNJUST
/s/ Coldwither54
OnlyTwentyCharacters, RBN#770
