IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF RIDGEWAY
State of Ridgeway
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DOCKET NO. RSC-CM-2895
Plaintiff
v.
Coldwither54
Defendant
MOTION TO DISMISS FOR JUDICIAL PREJUDICE AND VIOLATION OF THE RIGHT TO
COUNSEL
TO THE HONORABLE COURT:
COMES NOW the Defendant, by and through himself (he couldn't afford a lawyer, and frankly
didn't trust one), and respectfully moves this Court to dismiss all charges on the grounds of
actual, demonstrable, undeniable judicial bias, compounded by a flagrant violation of
Defendant's constitutional right to counsel.
STATEMENT OF FACTS
1. On or about a Tuesday, at the Ridgeway BloxMart, Defendant was in line to purchase one
(1) energy drink and possibly a bag of chips, undecided at checkout.
2. The Presiding Judge in this matter was also present in said line, standing directly behind
Defendant.
3. Defendant, exercising what he believed at the time to be a reasonable interpretation of
"express lane etiquette," stepped in front of the Judge.
4. The Judge visibly seethed. Witnesses report a "long, slow exhale" and "a look that could
curdle milk."
5. Defendant has since been formally charged in this Court, presided over by that same
Judge, who Defendant alleges has held a grudge ever since.
6. At arraignment, Defendant requested time to secure counsel. The Judge summarily
waived this right on Defendant's behalf, off the record, without so much as a "do you
understand what you're giving up here," and proceeded directly to trial.
ARGUMENT
I. Judicial Bias
Under the doctrine of He's Definitely Still Mad About It, no judge can be expected to rule
impartially against a man who denied him his rightful place in the BloxMart checkout line. This
is not merely an appearance of bias — this is bias with a receipt.
II. Unconstitutional Waiver of Right to Counsel
The right to counsel cannot be waived for a defendant — it must be waived by a defendant,
knowingly, voluntarily, and on the record, ideally with a snack present. Here, the Judge
unilaterally decided that Defendant "seemed like the type who could represent himself," which is
not a recognized legal standard in any jurisdiction, real or roleplayed.
This is a textbook violation of the Sixth Amendment of the Ridgeway Constitution, which
Defendant is fairly confident exists, and which absolutely would guarantee this right if anyone
bothered to write it down properly.
RELIEF REQUESTED
WHEREFORE, Defendant respectfully requests that this Court:
1. Recuse itself immediately;
2. Vacate any and all proceedings conducted without properly appointed or waived counsel;
3. Dismiss all charges with prejudice, so that this case may never again darken the docket
of Ridgeway; and
4. Optionally, accept Defendant's apology and a coupon for a free energy drink, as a gesture
of goodwill.
Respectfully Submitted,
Plaintiffs Coldwither54
By their Attorneys,
NO ATTORNEY BECAUSE OF THIS
CORRUPT JUDGE
/s/ Coldwither54
Coldwither54, RBN#67
